Hello, its me! The girl you used to throw papers at the back of her head, that used say ‘ your fat and ugly die’ you know the one that throwing pens and sharp pencils didn’t effect her because I look depressed all the time. Right. Her. The girl all other girls would call a weirdo, freak, geek, dyke (which was harsh in its own category to my very close LGBT friends) and to guys I was nothing but a peace of meat who dressed too “guyish” not that that was a word anyways.
My bullying days have to this day when I reflect back on them still strike a nerve in me, for various reasons. I can sit here and say the usual “why me?” “what did I ever do to them?” “why can’t I fit in with everybody else?” but than I just let them win more. The funny thing looking back on it, was that I could never think of a time where I told myself, “Hey, what they’re doing is wrong, but don’t let it bother you because you’re worth so much more than what they perceive you as.” Ah wouldn’t that have been such great advice to fully understand as a then eight to eighteen year old me.
These days I would say a lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same when it comes to my personality. I’m not the most outgoing and extroverted person as I so claim to be on my resume (insert laughter here) but I am also not the same shy girl who could barely get a sentence out without turning the shade of a tomato. I still read, write, and love a lot of the things I used to growing up that still interest me today. All things that my bullies seemed to be keen on making fun of. I’m not as self conscious as one would be after years of bullying on my physical appearance, but it’s still something I strongly fight to improve each day.
I guess you can say I gave you a very short description on my bullying case (to spare painful memories that are far worse than you can imagine.) But I would rather much focus on telling you what I got out of this all. Strength and courage.
You did not win, even when you wanted to see me fail, you didn’t win. I will admit that once upon a time ago y’all effected my self esteem, crushed my heart, and broke me down completely and I wish that for ever reason you felt that you needed to do that to me, I wish you to be or have grown as a person, and see that your past actions will one day come back to you and guilt will arise, and hopefully you can reflect and forgive yourself as I have forgiven you. I hope that you will also teach your kids and future grandchildren one day that no matter what the reason may be that bullying someone is never the way to go, and hopefully they’ll listen.
The craziest thing about this whole ordeal that all of you felt the need to put me through…… is something at this age of twenty I am still baffled with.
Thank you for making me a stronger person, thank you for personally making me love myself that much more, for making me believe that without all these trial and tribulations I wouldn’t be me — Jess.
I even took the liberty to say hi to a couple of you through the years, and had always got mixed reactions. Whether you were one of the few that apologized, one of the few that looked as if you never knew who I was, thought I was a complete creep, or to the very many who seemed to still be the same person I met when you were bullying me, thank you for all you’ve done for me. I am a better person because of you, and I just wanted to let you know that from the bottom of my heart the pain I used to feel remembering you is now nothing but a memory that I barely think back on, because you have no more control on me.
For all of you out there that suffer, or have suffered from bullying you’re not alone, and let me tell you this is in no way shape or form advice on how to move on from bullying or reassurance that you will be able to cope or move on almost completely as I did, but a simple story of how I chose not to let my bullies define me. I am a lovely person, as I am sure to all those that are reading this now, feeling as though they can relate to this in some way or another, hope that one day you too will be free from any painful memory they have ever brought to you, or bringing to you presently.
Always remember your worth and that you’re not alone!
Feel free to message me if you ever need advice, like, comment, and if your open enough tell me your bullying story and tell me how you conquered it! 🙂 Down below!